


In jokes and Pettiness

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Silliness!!! on Ice! [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Just Friends, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unrequited Crush, not a sexual relationship with Yuri Plisetsky, or phichit, silliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-09-12 06:03:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9058780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: I just wanted a fic where Domestic Victuuri get into petty arguments because it's funny and fun to do. None of the fights are serious and just involve being petty as fuck at each other.





	1. Have you put away your dick?

Phichit smiled at the grumpy blonde to his left as they rode the lift in the high end apartment building Yuri was apparently residing in with his fiancé/coach.  

“It’s a beautiful area and building. It must be a nice place. Have you been over often?” he said trying to making conversation.  The other Yuri who everyone was calling Yurio these days, much to his annoyance, glowered.

“Welcome to hell.” Yurio said as the lift doors opened before leading the way out.

Phichit was…slightly alarmed but followed his guest wheeling his suitcase behind him. Yurio knocked loudly.

“I’LL GET IT!” They heard Victor yell from inside.

“MAKE SURE YOU’VE PUT YOUR DICK AWAY FIRST!” Yuri yelled back making Phichit’s eyes widen as Yurio visibly twitched.

Victor opened the door with a big smile.

“Phichit! You’re here! I’m so sorry we couldn’t meet you but we had a meeting with a composer that rang long. That’s why we got Yurio to fetch you for us.” Victor explained apologetically as he pulled the Thai skater into a hug and then let go to ruffle Yurio’s hair who shoved off the older man’s hand angrily.

“It’s fine, I got Yuri’s message.” Phichit replied with a smile as he followed Victor into the flat.

“I’ll be going then.” Yurio said trying to skulk away only to get pulled in by Victor.

“Nonsense! It’s been at least a week since you visited! Yuri’s making your favourite.” Victor told him. Yurio twitched again but stayed quiet and allowed himself to be drawn further into the flat.

“Would you like some tea Phicht? Yuri was just going to take a shower. We came straight from practice and then had the meeting with the composer.” Victor offered as Yurio flung himself into a far chair.

“Mmm that would be lovely.” Phichit replied as he looked around the flat. It was spacious and elegantly furnished in muted greys and blues but with brighter splashes of colour scattered about that showed Yuri’s presence in the flat. Blankets and jumpers Phichit recognised from their time as roommates lay scattered over the room along with an amount of clutter that surprised the Thai skater. He thought Victor would be more demanding on the tidiness front.

While leaving his bag by the door and removing his coat he spied something that seemed really out of place.  Having hung up his coat he went into the living room and on the mantel piece in pride of place was a familiar object he definitely would have bet money on Yuri not having here. It was a familiar picture of Victor from the ice, his right hand back and high in an elegant curl. It was in a familiar frame with Victor’s signature in the lower corner.

“Don’t ask.”

Phichit jumped at the low whisper hissed in his direction. He turned to see Yurio glaring at him.

“Whatever you do. Don’t. Ask.” Yurio hissed again jerking his head to indicate that Phichit should sit.  Deciding it was best to play along Phichit did, sinking into a comfortable chair with that had at least three hoodies draped across the back.

All smiles Victor brought the tea over and placed it on the coffee table in front of them all as he took a seat on the sofa.

“Where’s Maccachin?” Phichit asked picking up his tea and blowing on it.

“He’s napping in our room. He’ll cover you with kisses later when he wakes up.” Victor replied taking a sip of his own tea.

“NIKIFOROV!”

The shout came from further back in the flat. Victor’s face went curiously blank as Yurio twitched yet again.

Thudding stomps came down the hall and Yuri, dressed but with hair still wet and a towel around his shoulders, appeared at the edge of the living room looking livid and waving an empty toilet roll tube at Victor’s back.

“IF YOU FORGET TO CHANGE THE LOO ROLL ONE MORE TIME I’M GOING TO STAB YOU IN THE FACE!” Yuri yelled, “Oh hi Phichit!” he added in a completely different tone, his scowl changing to a grin as he acknowledged his friend.

“Yuri. Shall I direct your attention to exhibit A?” Victor asked coolly, staring straight ahead as he indicated with a graceful turn of his wrist a side table to his left that had a pile of 6 empty yogurt pots, “It seems someone by the name of Katsuki Yuuri feels that yogurt pots, once empty of said yogurt, belong on a table as some sort of modern art statement rather than the bin.”

Yuri seemed to contemplate the table with a thoughtful tap of his finger on his chin.

“Threats of stabbing have been removed for the present.” Yuri conceded before throwing the tube in his hand away and coming to flop down on the couch next to his husband to be who smirked as he took a sip of his tea.

“Did you have a nice flight?” Yuri asked Phichit as he curled his legs up underneath himself and leaned into Victor who curled an arm around Yuri’s shoulder and brought his hand up to play with his fiancé’s hair.  Yurio twitched again as Phichit’s eyes flicked from him to the couple in front of him. Phichit was sure they weren’t doing this on purpose but Yurio’s reactions were hilarious.

“It was long but not too bad. I had some good movies to watch so it was enjoyable.” Phichit replied with a smile.

“That’s nice!” Yuri said then frowned as Victor’s hand stilled in his hair. He poked the hand that was still resting on his head, “Pets.” He demanded, Victor rolled his eyes but kept petting Yuri who to Phichit’s surprise made happy cat-like noises in response.  This time Yurio both twitched and made gagging noises. Phichit had known Yuri liked having his hair played with but this was a level that not even best friend privileges had allowed him.

“Um…sounds like you had a long day. Did the meeting with the composer work out?” Phichit asked after shaking himself into being as normal as possible.

“Yeah it went fine, just long. It took longer to get across what we wanted then we thought but we’re on our way I think.” Yuri explained then his eyes narrowed and he gave an amused but wicked smile.

“Did Victor remember to have his dick put away when he answered the door Yurio?” Yuri asked in a sing-song voice.

A twitch and a wince.

“Of course, I did!” Victor replied testily pulling slightly at Yuri’s hair. Phichit took in the blissful expression that appeared on Yuri’s face at that and filed in in the TMI folder of his brain.

“Well I have to be sure. You did greet me completely nude back at my parents.” Yuri said in his most innocent voice.

“I was in the bath you brat! Your family own’s an onsen. Plus, you were the one who barged in on me naked. I would have waited.” Victor went on “Plus at least I don’t hump people I’ve barely meant and break their hearts.” Victor went on, his voice sounding both testy and very amused.

Yurio was leaning forward with his head in his hands.

“At least I know who I’m competing against.” Yuri said and Phichit is startled because his voice is just so fond. By this point, Victor had put his cup down and he and Yuri were gazing at each other, their eyes sparkling. Victor laughed and kissed Yuri’s nose.

“Do you want some tea love?” the Russian asked his lover.

“Mmm yes please.” Yuri said.

“Then you need to get off of me love.” Victor said with a laugh.  Yuri immediately wrapped his arms around Victor in a death grip.

“Nope. Get me tea while staying here and cuddling me.” Yuri demanded petulantly.  Victor laughed even harder and pried Yuri’s arms off of him before standing up and kissing Yuri’s cheek as the younger skater pouted.

“I’ll make you the best tea possible.” Victor promised but Yuri shot up and then went and sat on the lap of a very startled Phichit.

“If you won’t give me cuddles then I’ll have to get Phichit cuddles.” Yuri said with an exaggerated pout. Phichit felt a little light-headed. Had Yuri always been a closet brat like this?

“Ah I see how it is! Leave me for your old lover! I’m heartbroken!” Victor said with gross over acting, the back of his hand on his forehead, exaggerated wailing, the works. Then it all dropped away as he straightened with a grin.

“What tea do you want?” He asked Yuri.

“Jasmine please!” Yuri said with an equally big grin from Phichit’s lap.

“Jasmine it is then!” Victor replied, blowing a kiss as he left the room.

Yuri gave Phichit a quick hug.

“Phichit I’m really glad to you see you and we’ll chat about loads but right now I need your help.” Yuri spoke quickly but quietly.

“Whatever you need!” Phichit replied quickly, his heart filling with concern until he caught the tell-tale twitch on Yurio’s face as Yuri hopped down from Phichit’s lap.

“Help me hide this!” Yuri whispered as he grabbed the framed picture off the mantelpiece.

“Um…why?” Phichit asked and then heard Yurio groan. Oh yeah, Yurio had warned him not to ask.

“Well back at my folk’s place Victor found my stash of posters and this picture. He left the rest but put this one in his room until I noticed.  Now I try to hide it from him and he always seems to find it and put it back on that damn mantelpiece.” Yuri explained, “So help me find a place to hide it.”

Phichit gaped for a moment.

“Um…on top of the cupboard in my room?” he offered at last.

“No done that.” Yuri said biting his lip but then his face went curiously blank as a thought struck him, followed by an evil chuckle.

“Oh I know where. Under the loo roll.” He whispered in glee and took off towards the back bedrooms at high speed.

Phichit watched him go with something akin to wonder on his face.

“Are they always…” he found himself asking.

“Disgusting? Yes, yes they are.” Yurio explained sourly as he stood up, “Victor was all over him from the beginning but now the pig is even demanding it and the pointless little bickering over nothing ALL OF THE TIME…I can’t take much more of this.”

Just then Yuri came barrelling back into the room and straight to Yurio who he wrapped in an affectionate hug.

“OH MY GOSH YURIO I ALMOST FORGOT TO SAY THANK YOU FOR PICKING UP PHICHIT! You’re such a good friend!” Yuri exclaimed. This time Yurio’s reactions kind of hurt to watch. He turned very red but his eyes looked a bit haunted and he seemed to not understand what to do with his hands.

“Um…it’s fine. Whatever Pig, just let go of me.” Yurio muttered. Yuri let go and gave an apologetic smile to the young skater before he pulled Phichit over to the sofa and started chattering away about his daily life in Russia.

It hurt to see Yurio’s reactions because Phichit understood very well what it was like to have a one-sided crush. Specifically, he knew what it was like to have a one-sided crush on _Yuri_. Yurio was going to suffer for three reasons:

one - because Yuri is as oblivious as he is charming and never notices flirting,

two - because he was only 16 and not at all a possible love interest for Yuri and

three – Yuri only had eyes for Victor.

“Poor kid.” he thought but he didn’t feel too badly for him, nor himself, because he could see how happy Yuri was. How confident he was. When Victor returned with the tea the way each of them lit up at the sight of the other and the pure love on their faces…well it was hard to be sad in the face of that.

 


	2. How do I explain Victor Nikiforov?

“Don’t come to practice with me” Victor said for the tenth time as they made their way to the rink, “There is no reason for you to be at my practice today.”

“But I want to show Phichit the rink! He’s been looking forward to it,” Yuri said innocently earning a glare from his fiancé.

Phichit followed them in silence not sure what was going on or why Victor was in such a bad mood but he wasn’t going to push things.

They reached the rink and Victor went to put his things away and change into his practice gear. When he came back out and sat on a bench to lace up his skates a red-haired woman who Phichit recognised as Mila and the man he knew was Georgi from the Cup of China skated over to lean on the boards either side of Yuri.

“Victor Nikiforov... How do I begin to explain Victor Nikiforov?” Yuri began with a finger tapping against his lips.

“Victor Nikiforov is flawless.” Mila picked up with her hands clasped in front of her.

“I hear his hair's insured for $10,000” Yurio supplied as he skated by backwards.

Victor looked up and glared at his rink mates and fiancé.

“I hear he does car commercials... in Japan.” Georgi continued undaunted by the looks of hate he was receiving from Victor.

“His favourite movie is Varsity Blues.” Yuri continued smiling at Victor with an evil grin.

“One time he met John Stamos on a plane...” Mila started

“And he told him he was pretty.” Georgi finished.

“One time he punched me in the face... it was awesome.” Yurio finished the Mean Girls quote as he passed them again.

“Every damn time. Do you really have to do this every damn time?” Victor asked as he stood up.

“Yes” Everyone chorused in unison. Victor took to the ice muttering in Russian what Phichit suspected were curse words.

There was a moment of quiet only broken by the sound of blades sliding against the ice before Yurio came to a stop next to the rest of the Russian squad (and Yuri) and plugged his phone into the speakers. He nodded and Mila hit a button on the remote.

A familiar beat hit the air and then the quartet in front of Phichit started singing at the top of their lungs.

“HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY BUT HERE’S MY NUMBER SO CALL ME MAYBE!” they sang the entire song as Victor warmed up with him flipping them off every time he passed.

“I HATE YOU ALL!” he bellowed as the song ended.

“I LOVE YOU TOO!” Yuri yelled back across the ice earning two raised middle fingers from his fiancé.

“Does this happen every day?” Phichit whispered to Yurio.

“Yup. It’s now our daily ritual.” The blond answered with a shrug.

“Doesn’t Coach Yakov get upset?” Phichit asked looked across at the stern-faced man uneasily.

“He did at first but now he’s fine with it. You’ll see why.” Yurio told the Thai skater who looked back at Victor in confusion as he came to a stop in front of Yuri and took his water bottle and a kiss from the Japanese skater who then grabbed him by the shirt.

“By the way Victor. If you don’t listen to your coach today I’m throwing out the shirt” Yuri told Victor with an angelic smile.

“Noooo not the shirt! Don’t do that to me Yuri!” Victor had grabbed Yuri’s arms and was full on pouting.

“And the trousers Victor. You know which pair.” Yuri continued ignoring the look of pain on his fiancé’s face.

“You’re so mean Yuri! That’s not fair!” Victor complained.

“Yes well I want to beat you while you’re at your best. You’re not going to let me down, are you?” Yuri said between the kisses he peppered Victor’s face with.

“Nooo I would never. Despite you eating tomato…sauce…sandwiches…pfft!” Victor had tried to keep a straight face until the end of the sentence but failed and both he and Yuri ended up clinging to each other and laughing so hard tears were falling down their faces.

“What is that about?” Phichit asked in alarm but Yurio looked equally dumbfounded.

  
“I have no fucking clue.” The young skater informed him before shaking his head and skating away, “Good luck Phichit! You’re gonna need it!” Yurio yelled as he sped backwards away from the commotion at their end of the rink.

Phichit watched as Victor and Yuri got themselves under control, kissed twice more and then Victor left him to skate over to Yakov for instruction.

“We can go now Phichit. I’ll show you around St. Petersburg” Yuri told his friend after his fiancé skated away.

“Are you seriously telling me we only came here for you to quote Mean Girls, sing Call Me Maybe and threaten your lover with obscure threats?” Phichit asked in astonishment.

“Pretty much. Come on! I’ve got a lot I want to show you.” Yuri grabbed his friends hand and led him out of the building. Phichit let himself be dragged away but was determined to get the story behind Call Me Maybe out of Yuri he had a moral imperative and a bet with Chris to win after all…


	3. It's a very nice penis

That evening Phichit found himself alone with Victor and felt very awkward. He had sort of gotten his head around bratty Yuri (because even in Detroit Yuri could kind of be a low-key asshole) but he still wasn’t used to Victor in any form.  But the man in question smiled kindly at him and offered him a glass of wine while Yuri could be heard humming off key in the kitchen as he made dinner.

They talked for a bit about Yuri and Phichit’s days in Detroit, Victor in fact was eager for whatever anecdote Phichit had to tell, and of course Victor’s praise of his selfie skills was always going to help Phichit like the man.

“I still can’t believe he never told me about the pole-dancing classes. I suggested it as a joke and now I’m kinda mad he took me up on it and never told me.” Phichit was saying with a pout.  Victor laughed and shrugged.

“Ah but Yuri is shy like that. By the way you might know better but did he seriously never have a relationship before me?” Victor asked lowering his voice slightly.

“Nope seriously didn’t despite many willing to take him up on it. He was too focused on skating.” Phichit replied with a smile. Victor frowned and took a long sip of wine.

“One night stands?” he suggested after a moment. Phichit shook his head.

“Can you really see Yuri doing that sort of thing?” the Thai skater admonished. Victor made a face and sighed.

“Okay but listen he’s like freakishly good at sex and it seems unbelievable that he was virgin when we got together” the Russian said running a hand through his hair.  Phichit blinked a few times.

  
“Pardon?” he was sure he’d heard wrong.

“Before we actually went all the way he was hopeless and needed my guidance in everything but the moment he stuck his dick in me it’s like poof! Magic! You’re a guy! You understand that it’s normal to be quick off the mark your first time, right?” Victor asked looked at Phichit for confirmation who nodded dumbly, “Right! Well for normal people anyway, but not Katsuki Yuri oh no he has to last for half a bloody hour! Can you imagine how exhausted I was after that considering I was expecting a 2 minute wonder?”

Phichit cleared his throat several times, he felt severally unbalanced.

“Um…that would be a surprise” he finally ventured to answer.

“Of course it was! But more than that all the stuff he was terrible at before he became a master of immediately! I love him and I love it.  The sex is good and his dick is **amazing** but it kinda freaks me out a little you know?” Victor continued to rant.

“Um…” Phichit really didn’t know what to say about that.

“What are you telling him Victor?” Yuri had poked his head around the corner and was glaring at his lover suspiciously.

Victor perked up like a puppy whose owner had come home.

“I was just telling Phichit how you’re freakishly good at sex.” Victor told his fiancé who face-palmed and went bright red in response.

“Victor! I told you to stop doing that! No one wants to know about our sex life! How am I supposed to look Phichit in the eye anymore!” Yuri complained loudly.

“Don’t worry! I haven’t told him how kinky you are or how much you like ropes!” Victor said with wide innocent eyes.

“Do you understand the phrase TOO MUCH INFORMATION?” Yuri demanded, “I’m sure I’ve explained it to you numerous times!”

“Nope don’t recall!” Victor replied with a happy smile.

“God you telling Minako was bad enough but now Phichit…” Yuri shook his head in disappointment.

“Um…”

There was a pause and Yuri entered the room fully, his hands on his hips.

“Victor who else did you talk about our sex life too?” he demanded.  Victor’s eyes looked to the side and he took another sip of wine.

“Um….”

“VICTOR”

“Um…lets just say Chris and JJ and Otabek and Yakov and Mila and Georgi may have heard a lot from me.”

“VICTOR!”

“It’s all complimentary! You know I only say good things about your penis! It’s a very nice penis” this last Victor directed at Phichit who snorted into his wine.

“UGH! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!” Yuri threw his hands up in defeat and stalked back towards the kitchen.

“BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT REALLY!” Victor shouted after his lover who flipped him before rounding the corner.

Victor laughed quietly and then turned and gave Phichit a bright smile.

“More wine?”

Phichit accepted the re-fill gratefully.


	4. Dish-course but not really

 “Yuri are you and Victor okay?”

Yuri looked up at Phichit, eyes wide with surprise.

“Of course we are, why wouldn’t we be?” he asked, his brow furrowing with confusion. Phichit shifted uncomfortably.

“Look I know how much you love him but if he’s not pulling his weight with the chores then…” Phichit trailed off. He didn’t want to pry but he didn’t want his best friend to be taken advantage of. Yuri put his phone down and looked at Phichit with utter bafflement.

“What on Earth are you talking about Phichit? Victor does his share of the chores, why would you think he didn’t?”

Now it was Phichit’s turn to look baffled.

“Yuri at least once a day I’ve heard you yell ‘Wash the fucking dishes Nikiforov’ so what am I supposed to think?” Phichit’s tone was maybe unfairly short but damnit he was trying to be a good friend!

Yuri stared at him for a moment before he suddenly collapsed back in his chair absolutely howling with laughter.

“Oh my god you thought…this is too funny! Wait until I tell Victor!” Yuri managed to gasp out in between gales of laughter.

“Tell me what?” Victor asked as he came in with Makkachin, shrugging off his coat and hanging up the dog’s leash.

“Phichit was concerned your negligence in dish washing was going to drive a wedge between us” Yuri explained, mirth dancing in his eyes. Victor, to Phichit’s surprise laughed as well if not as uproariously as Yuri had just done. He crossed the room and kissed Yuri’s forehead.

“Did you tell him it’s going to be your dereliction in laundry duty that’ll drive us apart?” He asked leaning on the back of Yuri’s chair to hug him from behind.

“Nope definitely your lack of dishwashing skills” Yuri said smiling at his fiancé. They for a moment were lost in each other’s eyes, their smiles impossibly fond and loving.

Phichit couldn’t take it anymore.

“Okay could one of you explain?” he demanded crossly causing the lovers to jump as they remembered they weren’t alone.

“Oh, sorry Phichit. You see Victor hates doing the dishes. If there is one chore he will gladly put off until the heat death of the universe it’s dishes.” Yuri began.

“Dishes are a menace” Victor agreed as one hand moved to run through Yuri’s hair.

“Are you telling me Victor can’t do the dishes?” Phichit was still unimpressed.

“What? Of course he can!” Yuri snorted.

“What sort of 28 year old can’t do dishes?” Victor added.

“He **can** do them but he’ll avoid it if he can get away with it. To the point of pretending he can’t speak English” Yuri explained with a roll of his eyes, “Most of the time I don’t mind because if I do the dishes then I can foist all the laundry on him.”

 Phichit understood that at least. The amount of times he’d seen Yuri in ridiculous outfits because it was ‘laundry day’ and Yuri would wait until he had one pair of trousers and one shirt before doing any and even then, wouldn’t put the clean clothing actually in his dresser…okay he was starting to see where this was going.

“Anyway, we had the Russian Skate Family over for dinner one night and I was really tired from practice and Victor was being a bit annoying so I said ‘Do the fucking dishes Nikiforov’ because I was annoyed at him and because it was late and we were all tired it was somehow hilarious and it just became a thing. You’ll notice whenever Victor is mildly irritating to anyone in the Russian Skate Family they’ll say that.”

“Normally I reply to Yuri with ‘put your fucking clothes away Katsuki’ but I say it in Russian so you probably miss the reply.” Victor added with a smile.

Phichit sighed and shook his head.

“You guys are weirdly complicated” He complained.

Yuri laughed.

“What are you talking about? We’re just happy” Victor said before detaching himself from Yuri who made insistent grabby motions at him while letting out a soft whine.

“Yes yes I’m coming, get your butt up and you can sit in my lap” Victor said with an indulgent smile. Yuri made those happy cat noises again and hastily moved so Victor could sit in his chair, promptly sitting in his fiancé’s lap and nuzzling his neck with a blissful smile on his face.

Phichit felt his eye twitch.

He had a lot more sympathy for Yurio now.


	5. There is no escape

Phichit had been rescued by Yurio.

Really it was being rescued.  After four days straight of Victor and Yuri’s bickering, cuddling, and straight up making out Phichit was done. 

He loved his best friend but this was more than he could stomach. True they had been training so it wasn’t all the time but today both Victor and Yuri had a rest day and the besotted looks had started at breakfast.

So Phichit was very thankful when Yurio showed up right after breakfast and offered to take the Thai skater out for the day. Victor and Yuri had put up a token protests as hosts but considering Yuri was sitting in Victor’s lap (again) and Victor’s hand was up Yuri’s shirt (again) it was clear they were looking forward to time alone.

Phichit had all but fled.

The little ball of anger that was Yurio also proved to be a good tour guide if you wanted the bloodiest and dirtiest stories about the city which Phichit was absolutely down for. All in all it was a good day so far.

The two of them were at a good café for lunch when both of their phones started chiming repeatedly.  Yurio frowned and gave a low groan of disgust when he read the alert.

Curious Phichit picked up his phone and saw immediately why Yurio was annoyed. Yuri and Victor had taken their weird flirting/bicker act to group chat.

 

+   +   +

 **Yuri** : Victor is fucking robot

 **Victor** : I’m not a robot!

 **Yuri:** Hands up who would hug a fictional character

 **Mila:** Me

 **Georgi:** Maybe?

 **Yurio:** Fuck no

 **Phichit:** Yes?

 **Yuri:** See you are a fucking robot Victor! Just admit it!

 **Yuri:** Prompto needs my hugs! NEEDS THEM VICTOR

 **Victor:** Prompto is a bunch of a pixels!

 **Yuri:** *gay gasp*

 **Yuri:** How dare you say that about him!

 **Victor:** He’s FICTIONAL

 **Yuri:** HE’S A BEAUTIFUL PERSON WHO NEEDS LOVE

 **Yuri:** LET ME LOVE HIM VICTOR

 **Victor:** I’m concerned about how you want to love him

 **Yuri:** ITS NOT WEIRD

 **Victor:** BODY PILLOWS ARE CREEPY

 **Yuri:** ITS NOT KINKY I JUST WANNA HUG HIM

 **Yuri:** FUCK YOU I’LL DO WHAT I WANT WITH MY MONEY

 **Victor:** Really? You’d rather sleep with a pillow of this Pasta guy than me?

 **Yuri:** YOU KNOW DAMN WELL HIS NAME IS PROMPTO

 **Yuri:** I WILL STAB YOU

 **Victor:** Yuri you are grace itself on ice but I’ve seen you hit yourself in the eye with a wooden spoon and I don’t even know how you did that. Forgive me for not being worried

 **Yuri:** …

 **Yuri:** fuck you

 **Yuri:** Hey Phichit what time will you be home?

 **Phichit:** Um…Yurio was suggesting I maybe crash for one night at his place

 **Yuri:** Really? Well cool just…text before you head over…and maybe don’t head over until you’ve had a reply okay?

 **Yuri:** Nikiforov put your phone away and get your hands busy again

 **Yurio:** I hate you all

+    +    +

 

Phichit stared at his phone for a long moment before he locked it and put it away. He leaned his elbows on the table and buried his head in his hands.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you can’t escape it. You literally can never escape it.” He said finally.

“Now you know my pain. And yes you can sleep at my place. You don’t want to hear them having sex. Trust me.” Yurio said raising his hand to indicate that the waiter should bring Phichit another drink.

“What have you?”

“They aren’t as quiet as they think and they don’t think about location. That’s why I always try to pack up my stuff while they’re still on the ice.”

“Oh my god…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things of note:  
> 1\. Everything is from Phichit's perspective including the chat hence his responses standing out.  
> 2\. In my head Victor and Yuri found their whole 'argument' in group chat hilarious and definitely boned afterwards.  
> 3\. I had this exact argument with my husband only it was in reference to Yuri so I had to ask my friends for a Video Game character who needed hugs. I game, but not enough to have an answer.


	6. Cunning Linguists

Phichit felt like his brains were going to leak out of his head.

It had been a couple of months since he had last seen Yuri and Victor in person and he had begun to think he’d made a bigger deal out of their behaviour than he should have. Now back in their presence at Worlds he realised that no, he’d been completely right.

His eye twitched as he watched his best friend and his fiancé flirting heavily on the ice.

At least he thought they were flirting.

“Disgusting aren’t they”

Phichit was actually glad Yurio was here, Chris seemed to think the couple was just cute but he hadn’t stayed in their house yet.

“Can you understand them?” he asked because that was the big thing. Phichit had no clue what they were saying despite them only being a few feet away. Occasionally he’d catch an English word devoid of context slip through. Like ‘drink’ or ‘high’ or for some strange reason ‘saddle’ but most of it was a mess. Some seemed to be Japanese and other bits Russian but it was mostly a garbled mess to Phichit though the couple seemed to understand each other just fine laughing and talking animatedly at each other in loving gibberish.

“Not a fucking clue. They’ve developed their own idiot language. It drives the rest of us nuts, especially when they forget we can’t understand them.” The small blond growled watching the pair before Yuri through up his hands in exasperation.

“For gods sakes Victor you know I don’t speak French!” the Japanese skater suddenly said in English.

“I’m sorry my love I forget sometimes” Victor crooned back before they both dropped back into gibberish, moving closer Yuri’s hand coming up to lovingly caress Victor’s face. Victor’s hands started to move up the back of Yuri’s shirt when Yurio chucked his water bottle as hard as he could at the couple.

It bounced off Victor’s forehead.

“OW! Yurio be more careful!” Victor yelled rubbing his head where the bottle connected but removing his hands from Yuri’s shirt.

“STOP BEING DISGUSTING AND GET TO WORK ON YOUR PROGRAMS!” Yurio raged at the pair who laughed but did finally separate.

“Yurio never change” Phichit said gratefully.

“Someone has to keep them in line” Yurio replied with a sniff before skating to retrieve his water bottle.

Yurio was doing the lords work Phichit decided, but he still posted the picture he’d taken of the Victor and Yuri being adorable. _He_ personally might be tired of the PDA but his followers weren’t.

“PHICHIT!” Yuri yelled across the rink at him a few minutes later and Phichit skated faster than he ever had in his life.

 


	7. Gay Off

“Yuri you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Clearly I do!”

Everyone stopped and stared as Yuri and Victor entered the restaurant having a loud argument.

“Your arguments don’t even make sense!” Victor told him through clenched teeth as the pair approached the table.

“Wow…I didn’t even know Victor could get angry” Chris said in something akin to awe. Phichit grabbed his arm.

“Don’t engage!” he hissed.

“My arguments are sound you just know you’re wrong so you deflect!” Yuri shot back. Neither of them made a move to sit as they glared at each other.

“Face it Yuuri you’ll never be better than me!” Victor said with an angry poke at Yuri’s shoulder. The table of skaters gasped at the harsh words. Many of them looking at Yuri with worry. Even Yurio looked shocked that Victor would say such a thing. To their surprise Yuri smiled smugly.

“Oh honey I’m so much better than you without even trying.” He purred at Victor who turned red with anger. Turning to the table Victor slammed his hands down.

“Tell Yuri that I’m gayer than he is!” he ordered them.

There was a shocked silence.

“I’m gayer Victor. We’ve been over this many times.” Yuri countered pulling out a chair and sitting next to Phichit. Victor glared at him before pulling out his own chair and dropping into it ungracefully.

“Fashion sense!” he argued.

“Crop tops and booty shorts” Yuuri countered. Victor expression turned soft and his gaze went slightly glassy as if he was remembering a pleasant moment before he shook himself.

“Ballroom”

“Poledancing”

“You’re not even gay! You’re bi!” Victor argued kind of desperately.

“And yet gayer than you” Yuuri rested his chin on his hand looking unbearably smug.

“You are not! I am the gayest!” Victor argued.

“And yet you have never been to a musical once.” Yuuri told him with mock pity.

“You’ve never been to a musical? I’m kind of disappointed in you Victor” Chris said with some amusement. Victor glared at him.

“I could go to a musical! If that’s what it takes to prove I’m the gayest I’ll happily go to a musical” Victor pouted.

“So you have no problem taking me to see Hamilton!” Yuuri said smiling widely.

“Fine! If that what it takes to defend my title FINE!” Victor almost shouted.

“Thank you sweetie!” Yuuri said, honey dripping from his words.

Victor froze for a moment, his mouth open in shock before he rounded on Yuuri.

“You tricked me!” he accused.

“Yup!” Yuuri answered happily, “Thank you for falling for it.”

“I can’t believe you tricked me!” Victor pouted “Just for that when we get home I get booty shorts WITH a crop top!”

Yuuri smiled amiably.

“Fine fine as long as you keep your promise to take me to Hamilton.” Yuuri told him before stealing a kiss. Within seconds they were flirting heavily again.

Yurio, who had paled at the mention of booty shorts before turning very red, was slunk low in his chair. Otabek seemed at a loss for words while Guang Hong and Leo were both incredibly red with wide eyes. Phichit turned to Chris who was staring at the increasing PDA with a stunned expression that Phichit felt was far too familiar. He rested a hand on Chris’ arm to get his attention.

“Whatever you do don’t stay at their house if you go to visit.” He offered the advice quietly. Chris glanced over the couple, Victor had managed to pull Yuuri into his lap and was nuzzling his neck while Yuuri giggled.

Chris looked back at Phichit and nodded.

“Noted”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a personal headcanon that Yuuri is a major Musical Theatre geek who has yet to meet a musical he doesn't love.  
> Victor is not into musicals as a whole. He enjoys a few songs from musicals and has seen a few movie versions but never been to a stage production.  
> He had no desire to see a musical based on American History and didn't see why Yuuri was so exicted about it.  
> I'm also pretty sure he'll end up loving it and weeping at several points.


End file.
